Comic Strip — Murdercat.win

Episode 1 "The Morning Routine"

Episode 2 "The Laser Pointer Incident"

Episode 3 "The 3am Situation"

Episode 4 "The Keyboard Takeover"

Episode 5 "The Treat Negotiation"

Episode 6 "The Box Situation"

Episode 7 "The Bird TV Incident"

Episode 8 "The Plant Incident"

Episode 9 "The Vacuum Incident"

Episode 10 "The Bath Incident"

Episode 11 "The Catnip Discovery"

Episode 12 "The Carrier Incident"

Episode 13 "The Face Occupation"

Episode 14 "The Feather Wand Incident"

Episode 15 "The Great Outdoor Expedition"

Episode 16 "The Automatic Feeder Incident"

Episode 17 "The Wall Corner Renovation"

Episode 18 "The Threshold Calculation"

Episode 19 "The Vitality Assessment"

Episode 20 "The Contraband Extraction"

Episode 21 "The Sustained Vocalization"

MURDERCAT

Episode 1: "The Morning Routine"

7:00am. Murdercat sits innocently. Nothing suspicious whatsoever.

Human reaches to give morning pets. Cat does not approve of morning pets.

EXTREME CLOSE-UP. The eyes have made a decision.

What followed cannot be accurately depicted. Suffice to say: chaos occurred.

Murdercat: unbothered. Human: definitely bothered.

THE END. Episode 2 continues below. 👇

MURDERCAT

Episode 2: "The Laser Pointer Incident"

2:30pm. A quiet Tuesday. Then: a red dot appeared.

Murdercat crouched. The universe held its breath.

Millennia of evolution, condensed into one moment.

Twenty-three pounces. Seventeen near-misses. One overturned vase.

Murdercat: 0. Red Dot: 23.

THE END. (For now. The red dot remains undefeated.)

MURDERCAT

Episode 3: "The 3am Situation"

3:00am. The household sleeps. Murdercat is wide awake. There is no reason for this.

No laser dot. No human. No reason. Just a calling — ancient, unstoppable, deeply inconvenient.

EXTREME CLOSE-UP. Something has awakened. Science cannot explain it.

Three laps of the house. Two flights of stairs. One bookshelf now horizontal. For no reason.

3:14am. Human: awake, confused. Murdercat: deeply satisfied. Mission unclear but complete.

THE END. (He'll do it again at 4am. And 5am. And also right when you fall asleep.)

MURDERCAT

Episode 4: "The Keyboard Takeover"

2:00pm. The human is working. The keyboard is warm. Murdercat has conducted a thorough assessment of the situation.

The keyboard has been keyboard-shaped for forty-seven minutes. This is simply not acceptable.

EXTREME CLOSE-UP. Something warm. Something flat. Something EXTREMELY SITTABLE.

Six seconds. Twelve emails sent. Three meetings accepted. One file renamed "mmmmmmmmm.doc".

Murdercat: deeply asleep. Human: explaining to IT why the quarterly report is now titled "lllllllllllllll".

THE END. (HR has received forty-three copies of an email with no subject and no text. Murdercat has no regrets.)

MURDERCAT

Episode 5: "The Treat Negotiation"

11:30am. The bowl has been empty for thirty seconds. This cannot stand.

Murdercat deployed Phase One: the Unblinking Stare. The human continued to read.

EXTREME CLOSE-UP. A line has been crossed.

Phase Two: direct action. One treat bag. Four square meters of kitchen floor. Several important documents.

Murdercat: fed. Human: apologetic. The natural order: restored.

THE END. (The bowl has since been refilled. Every hour. On the hour. Preemptively.)

MURDERCAT

Episode 6: "The Box Situation"

2:00pm. A package arrived. Murdercat detected it.

The box was not empty. This was irrelevant.

EXTREME CLOSE-UP. A territorial claim was being filed.

The package had contained a birthday gift for a relative. Murdercat had no relatives. The box, however, was flawless.

The human consulted the box. The box said no.

THE END. (The gift was wrapped in newspaper. The box was never shipped. It still belongs to Murdercat.)

MURDERCAT

Episode 7: "The Bird TV Incident"

3:00pm. The birds had returned. Murdercat had been waiting since noon.

A bold sparrow had made a tactical error.

EXTREME CLOSE-UP. High-definition Bird TV required full-screen mode.

Murdercat attempted to upgrade from viewer to participant. The glass disagreed.

The screen was now unwatchable. Murdercat considered this an enhancement.

THE END. (The birds returned the next morning. Murdercat had cleared his schedule.)

MURDERCAT

Episode 8: "The Plant Incident"

Tuesday, 2:47pm. The plant had been sitting there all week. Murdercat had been planning longer.

One paw. Deliberate. The look of a scientist confirming a hypothesis.

EXTREME CLOSE-UP. The paw had a hypothesis about gravity. It was about to be tested.

Hypothesis confirmed. Gravity: still working. Plant: not anymore.

The shelf had been decluttered. Murdercat found this an improvement.

THE END. (A replacement plant arrived three days later. Murdercat began planning immediately.)

MURDERCAT

Episode 9: "The Vacuum Incident"

10:00am. The vacuum had entered the living room. This was Murdercat's living room.

The tail began its threat assessment. The result was unanimous.

EXTREME CLOSE-UP. Threat confirmed. The pounce protocol had no abort function.

The vacuum had 2,200 watts of suction. Murdercat had more opinions.

The human filed an incident report. The incident report was immediately sat on.

THE END. (The vacuum was repaired. It now makes a different sound. Murdercat considers this an improvement.)

MURDERCAT

Episode 10: "The Bath Incident"

11:00am. The human had filled the tub. Murdercat had noticed.

The towel was warm and fresh. Murdercat did not care about these facts.

EXTREME CLOSE-UP. Murdercat had opinions about water. They were non-negotiable.

The bath had 40 litres of warm water. Murdercat had four legs and no intention of using them slowly.

The human dried off using the cat's favourite blanket. Murdercat considered this a personal attack.

THE END. (Murdercat remained completely dry. The bathroom remained completely wet. The towel was never the same.)

MURDERCAT

Episode 11: "The Catnip Discovery"

A new toy had appeared. Murdercat had detected an unusual scent. A protocol review was underway.

Step two: olfactory investigation. Something was happening in Murdercat's brain. Something irreversible.

EXTREME CLOSE-UP. The scent had reached Murdercat's brain. Normal operational mode was no longer available.

At some point Murdercat became airborne. The toy did not survive. Neither did the rug's dignity.

Twenty-two minutes later. Murdercat had achieved a state of total peace. The vet said this was normal. The vet was lying.

THE END. (Murdercat slept for six hours. The human ordered more catnip. The human has made a mistake.)

MURDERCAT

Episode 12: "The Carrier Incident"

The appointment was at 2pm. The carrier had been retrieved from the closet. Murdercat had not yet noticed.

Then Murdercat saw it. The carrier. The plastic prison. The portal to the vet. Ancestral memory activated.

Murdercat had become a floor. The human said "come on, it's okay." These were lies.

Seventeen minutes passed. A lamp was knocked over. A plant was relocated. The appointment was at 2pm.

Murdercat discovered an ability previously unknown. All four limbs locked. The doorframe was now load-bearing.

THE END. (The vet said Murdercat was "perfectly healthy." The carrier required retirement. The human filed a claim under "domestic incident.")

MURDERCAT

Episode 13: "The Face Occupation"

1:47am. The household was asleep. This was a temporary condition.

Murdercat had a destination. The destination had a face. The face had no idea.

Reconnaissance complete. The warmth rating: EXCELLENT. The face: ACCEPTABLE TERRITORY.

PROBLEM: Cold. SOLUTION: Face. Murdercat's eyes: closed. Murdercat's satisfaction: maximum.

It was 3:47am. Murdercat was asleep. The human was not. One of them was comfortable.

THE END. (The human was 23 minutes late to work. Murdercat had no recollection of the evening. The pillow is under new management.)

MURDERCAT

Episode 14: "The Feather Wand Incident"

The human had purchased a 'Premium Interactive Cat Toy.' The instructions promised 'hours of joyful engagement.'

Seven minutes had passed. The human kept waving. Murdercat had discovered something interesting about the wall.

Then one feather drifted just... wrong.

The engagement became... extremely thorough.

Elapsed playtime: 4 seconds.

THE END. (The toy was rated for 'all cats.' Murdercat disputed this classification. Feather remnants were found in four rooms. Replacement feathers have since been ordered. Murdercat was unavailable for comment.)

MURDERCAT

Episode 15: "The Great Outdoor Expedition"

The human had purchased a 'Cat Adventure Harness.' The box said it was 'perfect for curious outdoor explorers.'

Murdercat became liquid. This is a scientifically documented defense mechanism.

After nine minutes, the harness was on. Murdercat had not moved in the direction of the door.

Outside, Murdercat discovered the ground. The ground was unacceptable. The entire concept of 'outside' was unacceptable.

A neighbourhood squirrel witnessed the scene. Then slowly backed away. This was the worst day of Murdercat's life.

THE END. (The expedition lasted four minutes and eleven metres. The squirrel has not returned. Murdercat refused to acknowledge the harness for a further six hours. It is still on.)

MURDERCAT

Episode 16: "The Automatic Feeder Incident"

6:38 PM. Feeding time: 7:00 PM. Murdercat had located the feeder. The feeder had not yet located the problem.

Structural analysis confirmed: kibble was in there. Right there. This was a personal insult.

Manual override was attempted. The feeder noted the request. The feeder did not care.

Escalation protocols were engaged. Murdercat occupied the feeder and declared a state of emergency. Terms: food, now.

At 6:59 PM and 59 seconds, a silent understanding was achieved. Mostly by one party.

THE END. (The meal was consumed at 7:04 PM, following a mandatory four-minute dignity interval. The feeder has been placed on a formal warning. It will not be forgiven for the 22 minutes. It knows what it did.)

MURDERCAT

Episode 17: "The Wall Corner Renovation"

The human had invested $47 in a premium deluxe scratching post. Murdercat performed the assessment.

The assessment concluded in 0.4 seconds. The verdict: structurally adequate. Stylistically unacceptable.

An alternative surface had been identified. Location: corner of the south wall. Status: suspiciously intact.

The renovation commenced at 2:47 PM. No permit had been obtained. No permit was considered.

This was the best day of Murdercat's life. (Up from a three-way tie with the keyboard incident and the plant.)

THE END. (The scratching post was relocated to the garage on day four. It serves exclusively as a napping platform. The wall has been filed under "home improvements." Murdercat has identified three additional corners.)

MURDERCAT

Episode 18: “The Threshold Calculation”

Tuesday. 4:22 PM. The human had returned with groceries. Both hands were visibly occupied.

Murdercat had completed the tactical assessment in 1.4 seconds. The window was open.

Freedom was one step away. One. Single. Step.

Outside smelled of wind. Rain. Birds. Grass. The Unknown. The analysis concluded in 0.3 seconds.

The verdict was delivered at maximum zoomie velocity.

THE END. (The front door was open for 31 seconds. Murdercat retreated to the master bedroom closet. Six subsequent zoomie laps were completed. Outside has been reclassified as Unacceptable Territory pending further review.)

MURDERCAT

Episode 19: "The Vitality Assessment"

2:47 AM. The human had been motionless for 4 hours and 23 minutes. Standard protocol required a vitality assessment.

Phase 1 — Proximity. Phase 2 — Olfactory Analysis. Phase 3 — Structural Integrity Test. All phases were mandatory.

Phase 2 complete. The human smelled alive. Possibly. The data was inconclusive. Phase 3 was therefore mandatory.

The bite was precisely calibrated. Not enough to break skin. Enough to acquire data. Enough to determine next steps.

The human was, in fact, not dead. Disappointing, from a logistical standpoint.

THE END. (Owner's nose status: intact. Bite force applied: precisely calibrated. Edibility status: reclassified as PENDING. Murdercat returned to the foot of the bed at 2:53 AM. Surveillance resumed. Next assessment: whenever necessary.)

MURDERCAT

Episode 20: "The Contraband Extraction"

The treats were kept in the bifold cupboard. Second shelf. Left side. Murdercat had noted this on day one. Today was day one of the operation.

The mechanism was primitive. One swift batting motion at the lower edge. The door swung open with no resistance whatsoever. As Murdercat had expected.

Target acquired. The bag was heavier than projected. Murdercat recalculated. Paws adapted. The extraction would proceed regardless.

Phase 4: Transport. The bag was not silent. It crinkled loudly with every step. Murdercat noted this for future operations. Murdercat did not stop.

The location was secure. Concealment: optimal. The bag, however, was not going to open itself. Murdercat committed to the process.

THE END. (Bag status: destroyed. Treats status: redistributed internally. Owner's investigation: ongoing. Murdercat's location: classified. A second bag exists in the pantry. Murdercat is aware. An operational timeline has been established.)

MURDERCAT

Episode 21: "The Sustained Vocalization"

The appointment was confirmed. The carrier was loaded. The meowing began before the door was closed.

The car moved. The meowing did not stop. The human adjusted the mirror. This was a mistake.

MEOW.

Seven minutes elapsed. "It’s okay" was said. Murdercat meowed. "Good boy" was said. Murdercat meowed. "Almost there" was said. Murdercat meowed.

The human reached back. Murdercat assessed the situation. Murdercat continued meowing.

THE END. (The vocalization had commenced at 9:14am. It had not ceased at any point during the journey. At the destination, the vocalization continued. The vet’s assessment: “Lungs: exceptional. Disposition: unimpressed.” The drive home would also feature meowing. Murdercat had no comment. Murdercat was busy meowing.)

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